Dear Coworker....

****Warning: Snarky rant about to ensue****

I have a list of grievances:

1. Shut the fuck up. They can hear your monkey laugh from across the building. Why don't you just pound on your chest and pick your fleas with your door closed.
2. Your hairstyle is played out. The slicked back pompadour with sideburns went out in the 50's. Unless you are in a never-ending run of Grease or your are submersed in the San Francisco Swing culture (which I highly doubt because you are so lame), get a new look. Same with your glasses. My dad wore those in 1965 and you were not even born yet. You do retro very badly.
3. Stop walking around with your arms protruding out. You have informed us all that you work out and we still can't tell, nor do we care. So just put your arms down, your are blocking hallway traffic.
4. Seriously, shut the fuck up. When I am on the phone with clients, they can hear you yelling, "Fuck!" and this is while you are in your office. I have nothing against cussing, but come on, do you have to yell profanities all day?
5. Stop throwing staplers and kicking your garbage can at your direct reports. They work really hard for you, it would be great if you could show them an ounce of respect.
6. In the wise words of George from Dead Like Me, "Your breath smells like ass".
7. Find better mints for your ass breath. When you eat those gawd awful mints it smells like chalky, Pepto-Bismal, ass. You can't cover up ass breath, you need to go see a Dr.
8. Stop hanging your tooth brush over my cube. Brush your teeth and take your tooth brush directly back to your desk. Don't dangle it over my cube. Like I said, I don't want to smell your tooth brush that smells like ass.
9. Do not ever say to me again, "I bet you wonder why I am still single". I don't wonder, I have the facts.
10. When I am on a conference call with a vendor, do not bug me 11 times (I counted) to make smart-ass remarks.
11. Stop referring to my son' daycare as "Baby Jail".
12. Stop whistling the theme to Spider Man.
13. Don't ever stare are my chest again and say "Nice Shirt. I have never worn that shirt again and I make it a point to wear things that look like smocks and cover me completely.
14. Come to think of it, don't ever look at any part me again. Every time you look at me and laugh it makes me want to scrub myself with bleach. I can tell what you are thinking asshole.
15. Shut the fuck up all ready. I can still hear your conversation even though the door is closed.

If you could pretend that I don't exist or if you could disappear, that would be great.

****This conlcudes the Snarky Rant******