Decade of Drinking

Ten years ago today my future husband and friends gave me the most incredible birthday party ever. It was my 21st birthday. We went with my parents to see Boogie Nights and when we came back to the house all my friends scared the living crap out of me. There was only one more time that I was more surprised. Everyone was in fabulous costumes and all of my friends and family had chipped in to get me a video camera. At the time I was a budding film maker. Not only that but my future husband had FedEx a book all around the country to family and friends who couldn’t make it and had them write a little note in it for me.

Thinking back to the time that I turned 21 and realizing that I am now 31, this marks the 10 year anniversary of me drinking and being a legal adult. What has a decade of drinking gotten me? Not as much mischief as one would have thought. I have been carried out of a bar by my four closest friends, each holding a limb (who hasn’t). Lot’s of making out drunk (totally typical of a young twenty year old). I’m pretty sure that my son was conceived while imbibing Vodka (wasn’t that how everyone was conceived). Turning 21 gave me all this freedom and marked the entrance into legal decadence, an era I like to call the tequila and vodka era.

With the tequila era came lots of nights of fun. However that fun almost always ended up with me stripping at the end of the evening on top of the nearest coffee table and me not remembering. We have determined that I must have been a burlesque dancer in another life and can only relive my glory in a tequila induced trance. I am so famous for my “performances” that when my best friend John came to our party to introduce his new boyfriend Alan to us, he had warned Alan that I would probably be riding the tequila train and stripping. Sure enough as they walked in I had just taken my “stage”, had my top hat and glittery bra on. Luckily the tequila always gave me amnesia the next day ; otherwise I would have really been embarrassed. Then I decided it was time to put the tequila away and move on to something more sophisticated.

At the time I thought vodka was more sophisticated. I was drinking cosmo’s long before Carrie on Sex in the City made them cliché. The vodka gave way to more tamer but fun evenings. With the finer grade vodka’s I could remember what happened the next day. It’s not like I was a heavy drinker, one drink can put me to bed.

Now I am back to tequila, only pomegranate infused tequila, which is lovely and I leave my clothes on. A decade of drinking and I have come to the conclusion that for me, the finer the grade of alcohol, the lesser the headache and video footage there is of me. One good drink is better than ten crappy drinks, so I guess I have grown to appreciate quality as opposed to quantity.

Gang Activity

Our home has been taken over by a ruthless gang.

We find them everywhere around the house, causing destruction. Or in this case obstructing access to my bed.
They have no respect for personal space and just hang out anywhere, even someones armpit while they are sleeping.
We find them everywhere, together. Under the table, in the washing machine, on the couch. They especially love the bathtub. They eat all our food, they knock stuff over and growl and fight all the time. What we are amazed about is how this gang sticks together not matter what. There is no mutiny in this group. We think we have found their ring leader and mastermind. He is a three year old male, 40 inches and 40 pounds, brown eyes and a wily smile. If you see him in your area, please report him, he is most likely dressed as a dinosaur.

Trying to focus on the good

I have issues with my family. I have issues with the way I was treated as a child, like everyone else. I have issues with the way that I continue to be treated by my family. My mother and my mother’s side of the family have issues with respect, boundaries and communication. When I assert myself, they stomp all over it. Along with my issues with my mother, it is compounded by the fact that my sister is my mother all over again. I feel like when I am not battling one, I am battling the other, only with the same issues. My sister and I haven’t spoken for the last few years because I finally stood up to her. My sister hasn’t spoken to my mother in 5 years because my sister finally stood up to my mother. Add in my aunt, my mothers’ sister, who likes to interfere and we get the big mess that is my family. I don’t think I have it any worse than anyone, I think that we all have family issues.

This Saturday we are traveling to my Uncle’s wedding which is on my birthday. Apparently, they asked everyone else in our family if that day was going to work for them, except me. They all chose that day as the day they were free. My birthday is not a sacred day on which nothing else can happen, it’s not that at all. If my Uncle wants to have his wedding on my birthday, go for it. It would have been nice if the family, especially my mother had reminded him that it was my birthday and to just ask if we could make it. I could choose not to go, but I feel obligated and worried that with my Uncle’s health failing, that this might be one of the last times I see him. What is really at the heart of this issue is I didn’t want to spend my birthday with my family, especially my mother. I wanted to spend my birthday with people who actually like me. My husband, my friends, my dear Dad and Step-mom who actually respect me and love me just the way I am.

I keep going over my head all of the bad things that my mother and her family have done to me, and I keep replaying all the hateful events of the past. My mom has a history of ruining birthdays, weddings, and any other event she attends. In quiet moments through out the day, all these memories of events gone wrong in the past flood back and I find myself seething. Which is not where I want to be, that is not me, and that is not the attitude I want to take on life. I feel like the events of the past have made me the snarky girl that I am today. They have taught me that life is a circus and I may as well grab a stiff drink and a bag of popcorn and enjoy the ride.

I keep trying to keep that perspective and just let go of the crap and hang on to the humor. What is really troubling me is why I can’t focus on the people who do love me and with whom I have good relationships with. My husband and friends and my cousin give me more support and love then my mother, my sister and the rest of the family could ever conceive of. Why do I yearn for my mother, my sister and the rest of the loony bin to love me in a way I know they are just not capable of? Why am I still mourning the family I never had? I want all the bad memories to slip away off into the deep, quietly. I want to stop torturing myself with “Why can’t they be normal?” I need to let it go. Why can’t I take comfort in the fact that I am ten times the mother my mother ever was or will be? I am so grateful for my husband, my friends, and my cousin. Why isn’t that enough to heal the hurt? That is what is really bothering me about the whole thing.

If my cousin, my best friend was not counting on a ride from me, the best thing for me would be to not go at all. But since I would do anything in the world for her, I am going. That way I won’t have to listen to my guilt for not going. I will hang onto my 6’3” security blanket (Mr. Snarky) and ride it out. Three cheers for Mr. Snarky, who knew all this crap when he met me and married me anyways. He’s been trying to love all the crap away for years.

Lunch is on me

Clearly I messed with the wrong insect as I was hanging out in the park longer for an hour on Saturday. I have 3 huge bug bites on my face, and I am averaging 5-8 bites per arm. Then they had to go attack my thigh and my ankle. If you didn’t know any better it looks like I am thirteen all over again with those huge awkward boils on my face. This was a rather particularly stealthy bug, because I keep finding bites, little bumps of venom that I can't help but claw at.

Nature and I don’t really get along, if it isn’t the sun scorching off my fair and delicate skin, then I have managed to fallen into some bush that causes rashes. I am smart enough to stay away from poison ivy and oak, but for some reason I always find some other bush to fall in. Then there is the bugs. Just call me the bug bite café.

My drug of choice today will be good ol' Caladryl. The smell of Caladryl snaps me right back into childhood memories. This happened a lot. Especially when I was around grass. My mother and grandmother would smother me in Caladryl and I would be stuck to the sheets all night, unable to move. Good times.

5 Things

These are the 5 things that are rolling around in my life right now. And they have nothing to do with poop or pee.

1. I was offerred a job with new Mega Bank in Marketing. I am very excited and grateful! Woot! Being acquired can actually be a good thing sometimes.
2. I think my Mom has Borderline Personality Disorder. Reading through sites, all the symptoms are there. It would be a great thing if I could get her to go in and be diagnosed, but she doesn't seem to think she is crazy, even though I have a lifetime of evidence. But how do you say, "Mom, I thought you were crazy, but really, you just might be borderline. Meet you at the clinic?"
3. I'm racing to finish this book called The Passion of Mary Magdalen by Elizabeth Cunningham. I am not religous, at all, but this is a great fictional book about Mary's side to the story. It is really funny, touching, and I have not been able to put it down, even though I know what happens to Jesus. I highly recomend it, it is really a creative twist on the story, I love it.
4. I can't wait for this weekend because we are going to go see a movie. I am hoping to go see Elizabeth: The Golden Age. I am a whore for historical movies.
5. I am dreading next weekend, my birthday weekend. My family has planned my Uncle's wedding on my birthday. While he is welcome to get married any day that he likes, I did not want to spend my birthday with my mother. We would have declined, but they asked my husband, who is an ordained online minister to perform the ceremony. I wish I was doing something fun, like painting a picture, going out to dinner, or getting a massage.

Have a great weekend!

** Thank you Metro Dad for the 5 things idea. There was so much rolling around that I didn't know what to write about.

Pods, I mean Pads

We are on again with potty training and in my desperate need to just get it done I went on a search again for tools, supplies, anything that will teach this kid to go pee on the toilet. During my latest search I came up with an anatomically correct peeing doll, a watch that reminds kids when it is time to go, and Pods.

Pods are a “comfortable insert that lets your child wear his own underwear and changes feeling after a potty accident-while offering accident protection. This slight change, unlike in a diaper or pull-up, makes a child aware of the mistake and creates a potty training incentive while building confidence. With PODS you can make the leap to underwear and still have accident protection.” Sounds great, right? They didn’t show the actual pad. I plunked my $30 down in cyber space and waited patiently for a solution.

I was pissed when I opened the box of PODS and found this:




And this:





What the hell? It’s a freakin’ maxi-PAD, not a pod! What did they think that changing the A to an O would change the fact that this a maxi-PAD for kids. I spent $30 on a box of maxi-pads for my kid. I could have spent $5 on a box at the drug store and saved myself a lot of money. It even comes wrapped like a sanitary napkin does. And it doesn't do a good job catching #2, as I had a feeling it wouldn't because it is made to absorb bodily fluids. What a mess! And that's not egg on my face!

Look potty training industry, I am a desperate mother looking for a good solution, you don’t have to screw me over and offer something that was already under my bathroom sink! No wonder they didn't show pictures of the actual Pods.

You have let me down Pods. Only Potty Scotty can help me now.

Dislocated and incapacitated

A couple of weeks ago I regaled you with the tale of when the dresser fell on my son. When I hastily lifted the dresser in off of my son I dislocated my shoulder. Coupled with catching him at a full speed run into the mirrored closet door seemed to tweak my shoulder as well. However at the time, after both of those incidents, I didn't realized that I was injured.

My shoulder started to feel a little sore, so I did some yoga to stretch it out. In a couple of days I was in real pain. At that point I decided, maybe I should go to the Doctor. Not thinking anything of it, turns out, hey, I really injured myself. Then they put me in a sling. I have been rehabilitating the last couple of weeks trying to get it to heal and avoid the dreaded "frozen shoulder"

When I was back in the doctors office for a check-up on the shoulder, they realized that my Tetanus shot was out of date, and I should really get that done, immediately. Fine, whatever, just give me what I need and let me out of here. Being the kind doctor that he is said that he would give me the shot in the other arm so that he didn't hurt the arm that was already in pain.

My right arm and shoulder is the one that experienced the dislocation. After a few hours my left arm hurt where the shot was given. I couldn't lift my left arm now. So I was basically left incapacitated by my doctor for a couple of days. I couldn't move my arms, nor could I sleep, because no matter which way I rolled it was ouch. Not even Vicodin could help me. It took five days for the tetanus soreness to wear off. I had to laugh, it was funny, painful, but funny.

Decision 2007

It's coming up on that time of year where one must choose the most awesome costume to represent their inner most ghoul, witch, or in this case...reptile. The raging debate in our house has been between:

The T-Rex

Or the dragon

The debate rages on with nightly trying on of both costumes to determine the best one. I'm leaning towards the T-Rex, but I will not influence the constituency, he must decide on his own.

Grab your lunch box!

We just got the call that Drew has been accepted into Preschool. Yes! We are so excited to be accepted mid-year even though we did not get on the waiting list when he was an embryo. Miracles do happen!

They will take him even though he is not potty trained, and it is my great hope that peer pressure will wade down on him and get it into his head that he really needs to go to the potty, by himself. Look, all the other kids are doing it.

With the excitement of being accepted to preschool comes the sadness that we will have to leave Ms. April. It’s hard to move on to the next level because Ms. April has been so great with us. When my husband lost his job and we had to discontinue, she gladly accepted us back in when my husband found another job. It was great how she always remembered to share the cute thing that he did that day. It means a great deal that she took really good care of our child. She is a great and fun person to boot. We will of course continue to visit her.

Transitions tear me up a little, even if they are necessary and good. Little man will be going to preschool, and I can’t believe it.

Cookies make everything better

This week became part of Mega Bank. On Tuesday when we arrived there was a huge box of chocolate chip cookies. All I can snarkily think in my mind is, "You've been acquired, have a cookie!"

It was a lovely gesture, and it totally worked.

Year # 6

I was supposed to post this on September 23rd, my wedding anniversary. Since I was lame (literally)I didn’t have the opportunity to trumpet my love for Mr. Von Snarky. Mr. Von Snarky and I have been married for 6 years and we have been together for a total of 11 years. Whew! We’re just getting started!

Not only does Mr. Von Snarky not know where anything is in the house, he can’t seem to stop loving me, no matter how crazy I am or how badly I have injured myself this time.

Happy Anniversary honey….late! :)