On Sunday I was in line with the weekly groceries, I had placed in my cart some South Beach Diet Chocolate Raspberry Protein Bars. I am going on a business trip in a few weeks and I hate to be caught in an airport with temptation food court looming.
The checker was zooming along checking everything out when she came to a dead stop at my South Beach Diet Chocolate Raspberry Bars. She turned the box every which way and actually read the back of the box. Then she actually licked her lips and said "Yum". After she was done fondling my bars she reluctantly passed my bars down the bagger. Being that she worked there, you would figure she would be up on the latest food that is in the store. Don't they pass inside tips on the latest and greatest stuff in the store? I can't believe she stopped to have an intimate moment with my bars. We are in a grocery store for chris'sakes! Get your own damn bars!
Monday, February 18, 2008
Red in the Face
Foolery had a great embarrassing story. Not that I laugh at other people being exposed, but she offerred it up. It got me ruminating about some of my most embarrasing moments. Luckily I got most of my most embarrasing stuff out of the way in Middleschool, one of the most awkward stages in my life. At the time I was rocking thick glasses, braces and an afro. See my mother thought it was a good idea to cut my hair and then perm it. I am convinced that my mother was intent on making me as ugly as possible because afros have never looked good on twelve year old white girls.
I was in middleschool and I was battling horrible acne. My mother had dragged me to dermatologist and asked for the strongest stuff they had. That would be maximum strength Retin A. She smothered it into my face before school and sent me off. As the day wore on my face hurt more and more, but I didn't have a mirror. In between classes kids were laughing at me. I thought it was the usual, my hair, my glasses and or my braces. When I went to the bathroom I looked in the mirror and was horrified to discover that my whole face was burned and bright red. I looked like someone had left me out in the desert for a year.
I waited for the bell to ring for class when no one would be in the halls and I ran to the nurses office. She looked at me very concerned and asked me what I was on. I told her my facial drug of choice and she called me mother. My mother walked into the nurse's office, she gasped and then starting laughing. The heartiest laugh I have ever heard out of her. I get that is was funny, I know that it looked like I had given my self a facial with tomato sauce, but I was like in actual pain, had been laughed at by my peers, I was actually looking for some sort of comfort from my maternal parental unit. My mother finally regained her compsure and took me off to the doctor, see my Mom had missed that little part on the label that said "Don't expose to sun". Apparently they were quite serious about that warning, seeing as I had 2nd degree chemical burn on my face.
It was funny, and I can laugh about it now.
I was in middleschool and I was battling horrible acne. My mother had dragged me to dermatologist and asked for the strongest stuff they had. That would be maximum strength Retin A. She smothered it into my face before school and sent me off. As the day wore on my face hurt more and more, but I didn't have a mirror. In between classes kids were laughing at me. I thought it was the usual, my hair, my glasses and or my braces. When I went to the bathroom I looked in the mirror and was horrified to discover that my whole face was burned and bright red. I looked like someone had left me out in the desert for a year.
I waited for the bell to ring for class when no one would be in the halls and I ran to the nurses office. She looked at me very concerned and asked me what I was on. I told her my facial drug of choice and she called me mother. My mother walked into the nurse's office, she gasped and then starting laughing. The heartiest laugh I have ever heard out of her. I get that is was funny, I know that it looked like I had given my self a facial with tomato sauce, but I was like in actual pain, had been laughed at by my peers, I was actually looking for some sort of comfort from my maternal parental unit. My mother finally regained her compsure and took me off to the doctor, see my Mom had missed that little part on the label that said "Don't expose to sun". Apparently they were quite serious about that warning, seeing as I had 2nd degree chemical burn on my face.
It was funny, and I can laugh about it now.
One Too Many Times
I was sitting at a stoplight when a man pulled up beside me and was yelling something inaudible at me. See I wish people would give the universal sign for rolling down your window and then yell inaudible things at me. What I deduced from this kind gentlemen's garble was that I lost my hubcap at the corner. My hubcap?
I spun around the corner to look for my hubcap which happened to have fallen off at the VERY busiest corner in my town. There it was, waiting patiently for me leaning up against the curb. Totally annoyed I chucked my hubcab into the back of my car and headed back home. Anything car Mr. Von Snarky deals with and that's because anything laundry I deal with. Division of labor is necessary in our life.
Mr. Von Snarky was kind of enough to reattach my hubcap for me. He was perplexed because the car is only two years old, it was a brand new car, and how could a hubcab be totally trashed. By trashed he means that of the 14 clips holding the hubcap on, 7 clips are completely destroyed as in missing. The other 7 are holding on for dear life, and apparently when I turned the corner the other day, they just couldn't anymore. The affected tire is my back tire on the passenger side, the one that always hits the curb. I see now that I have hit the curb one too many times.
It's true, I have abused my back passenger side tire. There is this little blind spot in the grocery store parking lot that is really hard to maneuver around and I hit it normally, hard, because I am in hurry to get out of the way. Sometimes if I am parking I kind of use that tire as my guide as to where the sidewalk is. I am totally guilty of mistreating it. And now when I take it in for service I have to purchase a new hubcap. I honestly thought it could take a beating and keep on ticking. Hopefully it won't be too expensive. In the meantime I am the only car in the parking lot sporting the one hubcap missing look.
I will be more gentle next time, I promise.
I spun around the corner to look for my hubcap which happened to have fallen off at the VERY busiest corner in my town. There it was, waiting patiently for me leaning up against the curb. Totally annoyed I chucked my hubcab into the back of my car and headed back home. Anything car Mr. Von Snarky deals with and that's because anything laundry I deal with. Division of labor is necessary in our life.
Mr. Von Snarky was kind of enough to reattach my hubcap for me. He was perplexed because the car is only two years old, it was a brand new car, and how could a hubcab be totally trashed. By trashed he means that of the 14 clips holding the hubcap on, 7 clips are completely destroyed as in missing. The other 7 are holding on for dear life, and apparently when I turned the corner the other day, they just couldn't anymore. The affected tire is my back tire on the passenger side, the one that always hits the curb. I see now that I have hit the curb one too many times.
It's true, I have abused my back passenger side tire. There is this little blind spot in the grocery store parking lot that is really hard to maneuver around and I hit it normally, hard, because I am in hurry to get out of the way. Sometimes if I am parking I kind of use that tire as my guide as to where the sidewalk is. I am totally guilty of mistreating it. And now when I take it in for service I have to purchase a new hubcap. I honestly thought it could take a beating and keep on ticking. Hopefully it won't be too expensive. In the meantime I am the only car in the parking lot sporting the one hubcap missing look.
I will be more gentle next time, I promise.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Sixteen Candles - Two Different Takes
I was home sick with Drew yesterday AGAIN. This time the kid has an upper-respiratory infection. We were hanging out watching TV. When he woke up from his nap I was watching Sixteen Candles, one of my favorite movies. We are cuddling watching the end of the movie. We get to the most awesome scene in the whole movie where Jake and Samantha are sitting on the dining room table with the cake in between them.
The lean over to kiss and in my head I say, "Awwww". Meanwhile out loud Drew says, "Oh". Could we be thinking the same thing? Am I raising a sensitive and sweet little three year old guy who knows how to treat women? Then he says, " Is that Birthday cake? Mom, that looks like really good birthday cake. Can we have some birthday cake?" We were clearly not in awe over the same things.
Valentines day was good, even though I had tried to cancel it. Mr. Snarky was especially sweet with hiding cards all over the house and bringing me hot chocolate. He even ordered his own Sona Pillow. I think more for self preservation than anything.
The lean over to kiss and in my head I say, "Awwww". Meanwhile out loud Drew says, "Oh". Could we be thinking the same thing? Am I raising a sensitive and sweet little three year old guy who knows how to treat women? Then he says, " Is that Birthday cake? Mom, that looks like really good birthday cake. Can we have some birthday cake?" We were clearly not in awe over the same things.
Valentines day was good, even though I had tried to cancel it. Mr. Snarky was especially sweet with hiding cards all over the house and bringing me hot chocolate. He even ordered his own Sona Pillow. I think more for self preservation than anything.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Happy Valentine's Day - Stop Snoring
I'm not proud of it, but I actually did try to smother Mr. Von Snarky on vacation this past year. Staying in a hotel meant that there was no couch to kick him on to when he started his fantastic impression of a wilder beast in his sleep.
Things have been so crazy that unfortunately this year Valentines day is going to be just an after thought. However if I was going to get Mr. Von Snarky a gift, other than my undying love, I would get him this Sona Pillow from Brookstone - It claims that it can stop snoring.
The Sona Pillow for snoring and sleep apnea seems like it would be a gift for him. Mr. Von Snarky would get better sleep because I would not be pushing him onto his side to stop snoring and I would not be tempted to smother him with the pillow again. Okay, Okay, it would be a gift for me, but think of how refreshed I would be in the morning having not being woken up 20 times a night. I might actually be nice.
Happy Valentines to you!
Friday, February 8, 2008
Loss for Words
This week I am literally at a loss for words. I woke up Monday with no voice and have been struggling to speak all week.
It's been interesting, sometimes I can only whisper and other times I got into a deep sexy voice. The only good news is that I can sing, " Nobody knows the trouble I've seen, nobody knows my sorrow" in full baratone glory. I saw Space Balls last weekend, I love that movie.
Just because my vocal chords are on hiatus doesn't mean that my brain and fingers are not working. You would think they would make up for the jaw flapping that is not happening, but oddly enough, this week I have not wanted to say anything at all. It takes so much energy to try and talk that I feel worn out from wanting to even form thoughts.
Here is hoping next week I will have something to say out loud or on paper.
It's been interesting, sometimes I can only whisper and other times I got into a deep sexy voice. The only good news is that I can sing, " Nobody knows the trouble I've seen, nobody knows my sorrow" in full baratone glory. I saw Space Balls last weekend, I love that movie.
Just because my vocal chords are on hiatus doesn't mean that my brain and fingers are not working. You would think they would make up for the jaw flapping that is not happening, but oddly enough, this week I have not wanted to say anything at all. It takes so much energy to try and talk that I feel worn out from wanting to even form thoughts.
Here is hoping next week I will have something to say out loud or on paper.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
My First MEME!
Thank you Foolery for tagging me for a meme. I am totally honored. I don't know six other bloggers to tag, but once I do, I will be sure to tage them. Here we go!
6 Non-Important Things about me
1. During the winter I am never without a scarf. Since it is considered unprofessional to bring my blankie to work, it's like a mini-blanket wrapped around my neck. I sometimes sleep in them, which Mr. Von Snarky has informed me is dangerous. Whatever!
2. I have gas. A lot. Better out than in I always say.
3. My mom calls me and asks me what she should wear over the phone. She describes her closet over the phone to me and then asks me what she should wear. Then she always wears the exact opposite of what I suggest to her. Meaning she wears the most inappropriately revealing frock for a 60 year old woman, with most amount of loud flowers on them. I keep trying to tell that black suits are sexy, but she doesn't believe me. This makes me want to bang my head on the wall repeatedly. I have asked her to stop to no avail.
4. I read 4 books at a time. I keep flipping back and forth. I can't seem to commit.
5. My Netflix list always seems to be 50 movies long. I love movies. I am in a race to catch up to rentals.
6. I baked red velvet cupcakes because I wanted to see why everyone raves about red velvet cake. I was highly dissapointed that the hype was only about the red food coloring. Damn the hype! The only thing that redeemed it was the cocoanut sprinkles on the icing.
6 Non-Important Things about me
1. During the winter I am never without a scarf. Since it is considered unprofessional to bring my blankie to work, it's like a mini-blanket wrapped around my neck. I sometimes sleep in them, which Mr. Von Snarky has informed me is dangerous. Whatever!
2. I have gas. A lot. Better out than in I always say.
3. My mom calls me and asks me what she should wear over the phone. She describes her closet over the phone to me and then asks me what she should wear. Then she always wears the exact opposite of what I suggest to her. Meaning she wears the most inappropriately revealing frock for a 60 year old woman, with most amount of loud flowers on them. I keep trying to tell that black suits are sexy, but she doesn't believe me. This makes me want to bang my head on the wall repeatedly. I have asked her to stop to no avail.
4. I read 4 books at a time. I keep flipping back and forth. I can't seem to commit.
5. My Netflix list always seems to be 50 movies long. I love movies. I am in a race to catch up to rentals.
6. I baked red velvet cupcakes because I wanted to see why everyone raves about red velvet cake. I was highly dissapointed that the hype was only about the red food coloring. Damn the hype! The only thing that redeemed it was the cocoanut sprinkles on the icing.
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